Hunks with Hammers

My wife has an addiction to HGTV. Specifically, she TiVo's anything that has to do with remodeling and redesigning of homes. I have a name for the whole genre of HGTV remake and remodeling shows: "Hunks with Hammer's." While watching these programs with her, I began to deconstruct them. I soon realized that they are put together like a modern film drama or sitcom. The elements are all there. They feature compelling characters with a conflict to resolve. They have sex, violence, and intrigue; although I must admit the intrigue element gets a little thin.

Every drama has something like a ticking clock: there is usually a time constraint on the rehab job. The plot goes like this: Rita and John have two weeks to remodel their home before the realtor conducts an open house. Often part of the premise of the show is that the designers are challenged to finish in a day, two days, or some such constraint. In some cases, if they don’t get the job done they won’t sell the house for the maximum amount of money and, well, they fail. Failure in the other cases is a matter of pride. But as with most movies made in Hollywood, there is always a happy ending.

The latest version of the timeline challenge goes like this: Jim has given himself six weeks to remodel his house before he flips it. Flipping is the new way to make lots of money in a short amount of time, now that IPO’s and Internet companies are out of vogue. Flippers buy a home in distress, improve it, and then sell for a profit.

What is the consequence of failure? It is not recovering the cost of remodeling in the sale, or the client being unhappy with the redo that has been accomplished in less than twenty-four hours for less than (you fill in the blank) dollars.

The cast features a client in distress. The conflict is usually the client’s inability to solve a redecoration problem because he doesn’t have the time, money, or talent to do it. So in steps the designer or knowledgeable host with the solution. Knowledgeable hosts tend to know just the person who can solve the problem, or, in one scenario, three designers compete for the right to do the job.

Once the course of remedy is planned, the hunks with hammers, as I call them, arrive to do the real work. This is also the sex element and it's not always a guy. For an element of titillation, however, men work better with their tight-fitting jeans and skin-grafted t-shirts, because I'm sure that if the avid female viewer doesn't watch exclusively to enjoy this perk, then the equally large gay audience that follows these things will. Occasionally there arrives a good-looking woman who will sew, paint, or even pick up a power tool to save the day, but this is rare. Often the women in the cast serve as the knowledgeable hosts or called-upon experts.

To up the sex angle, the workers banter flirtatiously amongst each other and with the couples they are working for. In a commonly repeated scene the wife will be paired with Mr. Buff Hunk to be instructed on the proper use of power tools or how to strip paint and varnish off a wood surface.

The violence comes about when they are tearing apart existing structures in order to rebuild. Sledgehammers fly and crowbars crank as the workers trying hard not to disguise their glee while they destroy an entire wall or rip the drywall off an interior wall.

Tick, tock, tick, tock ... Will we get the patio landscaped in time before the couple returns or the open house commences? Will Rita and John get the price they need from the sale of their current home so they can afford to trade up to the bigger home they need for their expanding family?

There are things to be learned from these shows. The general conclusion is simple. If you want your home to look as if it belongs in a magazine, do not live in it. Homes being prepared for sale are staged like a Disney theme park.

Colors are neutral and furnishings are sparse to create roominess and to suggest a lifestyle with which most people cannot identify. Just as in the sitcoms, the decor does not reflect reality but merely suggests the way we see our homes without the strum und drang of living in them day after day.

In reality if you could set your home up to look like the finished product, it wouldn't stay that way long, for as soon as you hung a family portrait or left the press pot on the kitchen countertop,, you would destroy the whole image.

The other conflict element is the money issue. While I would never accuse these people of cheating (if it makes you feel better, you ignore all of the product-placement opportunities, but be reassured that they won't.), the one big thing they ignore is labor cost. The program features trades people who are versatile and talented. They can plumb, wire, and do finished carpentry, but their time and charges are never included in the money that the project is allotted. I'm sure that the show’s featured couple or client never pays a dime, but if you tried to duplicate the effort, you certainly would be required to pay for the labor.

I am always suspicious of some of the deals they get from yard sales, distressed-merchandise retailers, and found scratch-and-dent items. Items seem to be rather conveniently found at the right price when needed.

One show that features a redesign for almost no money relies on finding things the client already owns. While I can believe that almost anyone who owns his own home has scrap lumber in the garage, this designer seems to find bolt upon bolt of just the right fabric for window treatments and reupholstery projects.

What’s the bottom line? If you want your house to have “top dollar” value, first move out and than have a professional interior designer stage it. It needs to have an up-to-date kitchen and bathroom and typically most of the money will go in these areas. Common cheap fixes are window treatments, wall paint, and accessories. Your best bet is to have your own hunk with a hammer, but not every wife is so blessed. Mine certainly isn’t. She tells me that the best tools I have in my toolbox are a checkbook and a pen.