The Fine Art of Conversation

My son confessed to me not long ago that he didn't feel as if he was a conversationalist. "I don't make small talk,"he said. Of course this wasn't news to me, but you see the fallacy. Small talk is the opposite of a conversationalist. Small talk is passing time, filling the silence with noise. We all do it in varying degree's. It seems there is nothing so disquieting as quiet. It's the elevator full of strangers or the shared taxi that make people nervous.

Another nervous situation for most people is the neighborhood party where no one knows anyone of at best very few people. This results in groups of casual acquaintances hanging out trying to sound bubbly and at the same time casting nervous glances at the strays and the unknowns. The strays grab out eagerly for anyone to stand with so they don't appear on the outside.

It's the unusual person who excels in these arenas. I've met a few and I've tried to emulate them with varied degrees of success. They are the ones that can toss the lit conversational grenade into the group and get everyone to comment and often never reveal their thoughts on the subject.

I witnessed a young father at a table of his peers toss this comment into the small talk babble of a lunch table. "Does anyone here think the concept of organized sports for five years old children is a good thing." And then he stepped back out of the center of attention as first one than another comment promoted the degree's of interest in this subject.

I'm totally amazed at how people with this kill can get a conversation that has depth and meaning started in a group of relative strangers. Trust me, mention the fate of the local sports team will get the guys going. If you express and interest in the latest must see evening show you can probably get a rise out of the ladies. But commentary on local politics or the school bonding issue takes skill and nuance.

I remember being at a meeting of a New Comers in my former home in Northern Wisconsin. The folks in this group probably ranged from somewhat liberal to somewhat conservative. An older gentlemen, obviously from the south with his gentle accent asked, what we thought of Newt Gingrich, who at the time had just ascended to the leadership in The House of Representatives. A polite but spirited conversation took up the next hour, spinning off into comments on then President Clinton and other figures of political importance.

Claude, the older gentlemen who asked the kickoff question, was a former newspaper man and true to his profession observed with interest and delight. I got to know Claude fairly well in the next few months, he demonstrated to me that he was no one trick pony by pulling off this gambit many times to great success.

Good conversation to me provides a coupe of things. As in all things, I like to learn something I didn't know before. I think the conversation should have some meaning to everyone involved. And I don't like seeing blood on the floor. We can disagree, but we don't have to be jerks about it.